Sunday, May 6, 2012

Gears of War - The Movie

So, for a number of years now, one of the things that my brother and I do to pass the time is talk about suitable actors for movies based on video games. One of our favourite would-be movies to talk about a potential cast for is Gears of War.

First and foremost, we need to have actors that at least resemble the characters in question, taking into account height, weight and body type - as well as obviously having some sort of similar facial structure. Sometimes, we will be 100% serious, and other times, not so much. This has had varied results, from suggestions like Anthony Anderson as the Cole Train all the way to Henry Rollins as Sergeant Hoffman.


Our chosen cast is far from final, and indeed some of these choices are based on the simple fact that we each would probably prefer someone different, but with these particular choices, we don't disagree with each other quite so vehemently.

Marcus Fenix:
Really an obvious choice, when you think about it.

Choosing who to play Marcus was easily the hardest decision either of us had ever made. John Travolta? No, too old, too fat. Dominic Purcell? Too unknown. Christopher Lambert? Oh god, even worse. Why not Tom Jane, yeah that could work, maybe - how about Sylvester Stallone. Same problem, and same problem again for Kurt Russell, Tom Berenger.. It seemed like all of our hard assed heroes were just too fucking ancient. Even Bruce Willis is over the hill, but Marcus has to be at least a little bit older, right? Gives him credibility. That was of course, until we considerd Adam Baldwin. Yes, it's true that he's not exactly a youngster himself, however - he is a credible, legitimate badass, who somehow looks 35 years old at age 50+. How does he manage this? We do not know, and more importantly perhaps, we do not care. He's perfect.

Dominic Santiago:
He's been in precisely the right amount of failed movies to play a support role.
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Why the hell not? Give him a soul patch, a Latino accent, and we're good to go. He is a huge guy, obviously (in fact one of the major factors in choosing any of the cast was the fact that they needed to be brawny bastards). True, his ethnicity isn't an exact match, but finding a massive Latino guy who is high enough profile to play the second biggest character in the series, yet low enough profile that he doesn't hog the damn camera was a challenging proposition.

Damon Baird:

Because killing genocidal monsters is serious fucking business.
Karl "Eomer" Urban. For me, is a pretty clear choice. The counterpoint is that of course Baird is, for the most part, the comic relief of the cast. Cole's wild character juxtaposed against Baird's dry commentary is where the best laughs come from in the game series, and this is Josh's biggest problem with this pick. That being said, I actually think his seriously serious tone might actually deliver some unintentional comedy. The very best kind.

Augustus Cole "Train"

Denying him this role would be an egregious crime in the highest degree.
Lester Speight actually does the voice acting for Cole in the games, and he is also an experienced supporting actor of modest success. Furthermore, he is something like 200 kilos worth of muscle. If this movie gets made, and they don't include him - someone needs to be fired.

This looks shopped. I can tell from some of the pixels and from seeing a few shops in my time.


  1. Hahaha, awesome! Did we discuss Henry Rollins as Sergeant Hoffman? If we did or didn't, kick arse choice at any rate.

    1. If we didn't, we should have.

    2. Most definitely. Stephen Lang can jam it, Rollins is absolutely Hoffman.

  2. Why is it that I am still yet to play a Gears of War game? *slinks off to avoid the ensuing hell-fire raining down from the admission*

    1. Well, although it is a somewhat startling revelation that there are in fact people owning an xbox, but not owning any GoW titles, the fact that you are among them is less than surprising.

      That said - they are going to be pretty fucking cheap by now - worth picking up, but I'd still recommend grabbing Mirror's Edge first, if only for the unique experience. Gears doesn't exactly deliver a unique experience, it just so happens to be the best of its type.

    2. I literally played Gears of War 1 for about six months online. It was just so refreshing to have a shooter that was absolutely nothing like CoD.